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Homework English Story help!?

This is my Story! if its good please tell me , whats needed to make it better edit? please help! None of my business January 23rd 6:32pm The sun , shining like a bright torch amongst the earth , clouds no where in sight it is the perfect day to spend in the park , layed back enjoying life at its best nothing better than relaxing and enjoying the time of your life, as my shift has ended i could take Julie to the Great Dragons Restaurant; she loves chinese food, and due soon its her birthday i need to get her something special aside from the tickets to the concert in America; where the Beatles will play exclusively .Now im home i can enjoy some television have to check the news for the weather forcast if Julie and me need to wear extra clothis if it snows , the news whats this? Murder? Who ! what is this all about the death of two celebritys in the oscar awards Rowan Atkinson and Angelina Jolie? Wait this is prisposterous how could this happen who did this ,the name of the murderer is Hovis Jones and if caught he has a life sentence in prison and also he is the riot polices top priorty, well he must have a reason for all this madness. His image looks so familiar to me this is become a little to wierd for my liking i think i need some fresh air , maybe this is somewhat a coincedence i should probably not think about it that much. March 22nd 10:32 am Its time Julies with me we are in Chicago, America its her birthday and i got her that ring she wanted with her name encrusted beneath the inner section on the ring. This is so great; the beatles are going to perform tonight and everything is going perfect.(Later that evening) the beatles have finished there performance and there finishing song “she loves you” there was a riot , a screaming echo the riot police where in presence at the crown of the city , the beatles have evacuated the city by a helicopter it had left chicago , everything for a moment had stopped i felt faint almost all my life had been sucked from my skull i felt a sensation of dizzyness i soon realised i had been gripped and held down to the ground as my face crashed to the surface blood teared down my face like water dripping from a tap i was mentaly lost , as then i was awaken by an chief officer. “Hello Hovis , im Chief of riot police , Jonas ... do you know why you are here Eh” I replied confidently “ i am really sorry officer but i cannot help you i dont know why im here and my name is not Hovis its John , John Hailer i have to ask what am i here for? Where is Julie my girlfriend whats going on!” The officer smirked like he knew who i was entirely , inside out. he spoke“ You think this is some joke Hovis? I know you have been killing Celebritys lately after your grand escape from the Oscars you where no where to be seen , now your here you can be put into custody and you can go back to where you belong into USA’s number one prison. Alcatraz. I chocked and shouted “ i am not going to Alcatraz prison i dont , i havent done anything! Its not me im not Hovis! , “ i remember no it is all comming back to me two months ago Hovis Jones “ I want to trial for this i am not liable for what happend to those celebritys! “ As i was taken to a local prison to await trial as i stood , standing whilst the frosty brease swept through me i alerted the guard to view the television, as the chief of police sat comfurtabley watching he took intrest in viewing ... news had been broken instant news that in New York Daniel Radcliffe had been assasinated within his hotel room later that evening the assasin one , Lucas Simms joined by Hovis Jones had been captured and sentenced death tomorrow. John took a moment and shouted “ Now you see im not Hovis Jones? Huh? “ Cheif Jonas was humiliated he took his whole squad of elite riot police out to hunt an innocent man . Cheif Jonas Spoke , “ i do believe i owe you an huge appoligue may u forgive me for my inconsiderable decision “ John replied in a reliefed attitude “yes you do owe me an appoligue , and thank god i wasnt sentenced death or sent to Alkatrez “ As John was sent home in a helicopter. He had a thought of relief.

Public Comments

1. Interesting topic but not well written, I'm afraid. The main problem is that it's difficult to read because of your punctuation. A lot of it is correct, so reread and correct what you can. Capital letters: 'I' needs to be a capital all the time, no matter where it's in the sentence eg I need to find out where I'm going, or I'll get lost. I've never been there before. Also, apostrophies ( ' ) are needed when two words have been put together, eg it's (=it is) don't (=do not) or if something belongs to someone, eg Julie's ring visit: http://www.bbc.co.uk/skillswise/words/grammar/punctuation/apostrophes/ Spelling: check the words you don't use so much in a dictionary. Find out about spelling rules you need to know and use at: http://www.bbc.co.uk/skillswise/words/spelling/plurals/pluralrules/factsheet.shtml