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I know its rushed, but how is my story so far?

PROLOGUE Hayley sat at the kitchen table staring blankly at the most recent un-solved murder cases. At that moment her twin, Sam, stood behind her, gazing over her shoulder. ‘It’s getting worse. There’s been another. It’s getting more frequent… more close,’ she mumbled to her brother as he patted her on the shoulder. ‘What if we fall into that pattern? What’ll happen if they come after us?’ ‘Did you have another nightmare again?’ Sam said in a soothing voice. ‘Don’t worry, they’ll get caught. We’re only teenagers, in a messed up country. Anyone sick enough to murder kids will get what they deserve.’ Sam and Hayley shared a special connection- they knew it was a gift- and they kept to them selves because of it. Hayley envied her brother for the ease and control he had. She hated waking every night screaming and crying, picturing no things a sane person should; she hated blanking out of class with her pen scrawling blindly in her work books, sketching detailed and distorted images of things not meant to be seen. Sam had it so much easier. He didn’t wake from visions of tragedy. He didn’t have people staring at him with a glint of pity in their eyes. Although people didn’t look at him with particular friendly expressions either. Sam had the intense power to influence people’s minds and read their thoughts. Not that he could help himself most of the time. Apart from their- Hayley thought of them as curses- gifts they could heal themselves and others inhumanely; and run very fast. Like their lives had been created in mock creation of twisted vampire films, without the bloodlust and immunity to death. ‘We’ll be alright,’ Sam reassured as he stared down at the several pictures of murdered sets of twins, from fraternal to identical, boys or girls or both, all seventeen years of age. ‘Okay,’ she agreed giving up, ‘we better get to school then.’ She folded away the pictures of suffered loss and threw it across to the other side of the table. She picked up her bag and walked out to the hallway, stopping as she realised she’d forgotten to pick up her large notebook. ‘Oh shoot!’ she sighed as she quickly ran up to her room to retrieve it. She passed the living room on the way, dim morning light pouring through, outlining the couches and television set. She rushed up the second set of stairs, passing the bathroom at the end of the landing. She shot past artificially and straight into her room at the top of the stairs. The door was wide open when she stormed in, Sam stood there, notebook in hand. He was leaning against her wall that was a full mirror, stretching from ceiling to floor, left wall to right. She strolled up next to him and stared at the reflection that threatened to break into delicate shards of glass. He put his arm around her shoulder and gazed at the mirror. ‘I don’t ever want to lose you,’ she whispered. ‘I won’t allow it.’ ‘I’m not going anywhere,’ he replied in that soft understanding voice. She still looked deep into the picture before them, staring right back at her with pity and sorrow. They both had the same shadowy purple hair (never dyed of course); Sam’s short and messily nice pointed in all directions, while Hayley’s grew long to just above her belly button- semi, spiking out in layers, fringing her left eye. They both had bright green eyes and if you looked close enough you could see a tinge of red around the pupils- but less than barely. They both had flawless high cheekbones and light pink lips, both features people put themselves through pain to get. The sorts of bodies that girls generally get jealous of, but that was expected of models, not unsecure seventeen-year-old girls like Hayley. As the mirror reflected her train of thought Sam reached out to touch her mind and feel the emotions that surfaced there. They both knew they didn’t look like others at their school- not a blemish or spot, perfectly shaped pearly white teeth, Hayley with her gorgeous curves and fine hips, Sam his same perfect features and long dark lashes that made all the girls blush near him. They could do nothing but stand out, no matter how hard they tried to fit in. I just found it again on my computer, I wrote it a few months ago, and wanted to know what people thought...?

Public Comments

1. it's really good:) not rushed wither, it flows quite well:) mine? http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Ar5T7orSAJJilB_.oXh_okrsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20100629112014AAw7h7j
2. it's awesome! keep writing :D
3. You're mostly telling rather than showing here which makes for a rather dull read.You need to demonstrate these gifts rather than just point them out. Also revisit your dialogue tags. "Sam reassured", "she agreed", "she sighed". This is a mistake many new writers make. If you need to use anything other than said it should only be very rarely, otherwise the action should be evident in the dialogue itself - we know he's reassuring for example because of what he says. The idea's good you need to work on your technique. Best of luck with it.